Bigger Than Myself, by Bug Hunter (2025)

1.

A broken clock's right twice a daybut mine spins in reverse and mayhave doubled odds and better luckNow it's twice as good as worthless junkMy heart's as healthy as a horsebut my hard hat's lookin' hardly wornThat other steel toed boot'll dropbut I don't know when, or how to stopI wish I had a secret codeto signal me to take it slowI need a sin like calculus'cos my limit does, in fact, exist!So slow down, focus, do yoga poses andlearn to love the lull and just breathe...Breathe… breathe…Alright I'm good!I think I'm smiling and nodding, but surveillance cameras caught me laugh manaically headbutting every obstacle, I've got to turn it off... and pick back up when I am calmEven with an invitation, boy, you gotta learn to knock (Oh knock it off!)... And do me one favor: Remember the safe wordI get that passion motivatesand crashes down like ocean wavesbut tunnel vision's toxic man,you're not John Henry, take a breathThat might sound harsh when you are usedto head rubs, praise, and sugar cubesI just hate to see you racing towardsbehaviors that we shouldn't rewardSo slow down, focus, do yoga poses andlearn to love the lull and justBreathe. Breathe. Breathe. (Alright!)I think I'm smiling and nodding,blending in and getting onbut no, I haven't fooled the camerasin my camel camoflaugeI'll take it off!...and I won't spit on anyoneEven with an invitation, boy,you gotta learn to knock(Oh knock it off!)And do me one favor:Remember the safe wordAnd I have no construction crewto build this introduction tune but it's sound and under budget, too...The chords work, the beat works, the verse and melody worksand these words, they each work, have purpose versus knee-jerkSafety first, let's be sure our neon PPE worksNow the only thing that needs work is the last bit of the bridge!I think I'm smiling and nodding, mild-mannered, nodding offIt's just my neck is getting tired, so much nonsense to hold upJust take a pause... but don't give up the dreamIf they change the locks behind you, you can find another keyand hope a smile and a nod's the only signal they have seenYou're no machine but there's no shamein blowing off a little steam, so hear me knock!Hear me hammer, hear me yelland don't knock it 'till you've tried it,tried to knock or tried the bell (Ah, let me in!)The trip has been paid for and you have a way forthso don't waste the day or delay it for laterBut do me one favor: Remember the safe word

2.

CalmThe key is to be calmI'm sure that my handswill settle soonJust keep them locked at ten and twoand carry onI need to carry on...'cause taking that final look behind mechanges nothing but my mindIf I stop nowand turn the other wayI'm only going back for yester-Only going back for yesterdayAnd it's okayWe're better off apart but that'sthe part of methat voices things I never meant to sayWe're like two cars in the nightYour headlights blind me brieflythen you're goneand we continue on our wayWellI'm not feeling too wellI tried every trick to understandIf I seem lost it's 'cause I am and I needHelpI need a little helpI've crossed your path so many timesbut right now yours just isn't mineThe road is clear, a sign as if to say:It's time you let the past be yester-Time you let the past be yesterdayAnd it's okayWe're better off apart but that's the part of methat voices things I never meant to sayWe're like two cars in the nightYour headlights blind me brieflyThen you're gone and we continue on our wayAnd when I think it's far enough awayYou make me feel like it was yester-Make me feel like it was yesterdayAnd it's okayWe're better off apart but that's the part of methat voices things I never meant to sayWe're like two cars in the nightYour headlights blind me brieflythen you're gone and we continue on our wayAnd my exit's on the rightThe mile markers counting downthe empty minutes of the nightand I drive on...Letting limits pass me byAs I search my rearview mirrorNot for the dawnbut for the incoming headlights

3.

You pay me to exaggerate, I think I've done enoughof turning bummers into heartaches and crushes into loveSometimes our lives are mild, our stories: just okayI'll set your expectations in the middle when I say: "Hell yep"A hell yepAnd knock me down a pegwhen I wanna be a big shotI'm just a toddlerwith a slingshotFor example:I got cornered by a salesman at a farmers market boothselling cheap ceramic bowls meant for dogs to eat their foodI haggle like a master, I showed them how I doI didn't want one, but I got a deal for twoHell yepI don't have a regretOr a dogKnock me down a pegwhen I wanna be a big shotI'm just a toddler with a slingshotDon't have the strengthDon't have the aimI'm building up my motor skills and everything's a gameYou say I'm harmless (you're probably right)But nothing is more trouble than a toddler going quietKeep an eye on me, keep your eye, keep your eye on me... and knock me down a peg when I wanna be a big shotI'm just a toddler with a slingshotI asked for half your candy baryou raised it in the airand split it down the middlemade a perfect little pairYou smiled like a sweetheartmy hand extended outYou winked at me and poppedboth of the pieces in your mouthHell nopeThat one's a hell nope… no mercy with a Hershey ‘fore sheKnocked me down a pegwhen I wanna be a big shotI'm just a toddler with a slingshotDon't have the strengthDon't have the aimI'm building my my motor skillsand everything's a gameYou say I'm harmless (so did Goliath)But nothing is more troublethan a toddler going quietKeep an eye on meKeep your eye, keep your eyeand watch me wellor I'll raise a little hell... a hell yepThey asked me for a catch phraseI didn't miss a stepIf their story's kind of boringyou can tell 'em: "Hell Yep," Hell Yep!Knock me down a pegwhen I wanna be a big shotand I will kick it up the next notchAnd if I work, put in the labor,blood, sweat, call in every favorEat my veggies, say my prayers,push myself to be a danger…... I'll be a preteen with a Taser

4.

Again and againStart over from scratchBuild up from the groundThe new kid in classI tell them my nameAgain and againI try to be kindand hope for a friendAnd hope for a friendIt's like a game of hide and seek, they count to ten and look for mebut it's been half an hour, I'm still crouched behind the couch and thinkThat maybe they've forgotten me, gave up, gone to watch T.V.no calls for me, apologies,or olly olly oxen freesThe childhood I hadAn outsider in my headAgain and againAgain and againWe pack up and moveI skip like a stoneNew school to new schoolUnable to floatand holding my breathAfraid to approachWill you be my friend?Will you be my friend?It's like a game of hide and seek, they count to ten and look for mebut it's been several hoursI'm still crouched behind the couch and thinkThat I'm the piece they'd rather lose, the seed you plant that never bloomsA new kid much too nervous to stand up, step out or leave his roomThe childhood I had, an outsider in my headAgain and againClass we have a new studentHe's a little withdrawnHe just moved here from Texas or Nashville or MarsHe'll be gone before longSo he's not worth the troubleHe's a novelty whenall the cliques are connectedThe ephemeral friendIt's like a game of hide and seekThey count to ten and look for mebut it's been twenty years and I'mstill crouched behind the couch and thinkThat I'd be different had I knownthat birthday cakes and milestoneswouldn't mark my progress growing uplike years of eating lunch aloneThe childhood I had, an outsider in my headI ask myself: without it, would I be the Bug I am?Again and AgainIt's like a game of hide and seekbut it's my turn to search and, see, I still know all the hiding spotsto check to find the lost and thankThe childhood I had, an outsider in my headbut never again

5.

I sent my resumé to Godin MLA and 12 point fontMy awards are all in order andmy references are pretty strongMy bullets points: concise, and nowmy grammar's fixed and typo's foundI'm hopin' if she sees it I havemade my English teacher proudAnd I've done my share of charitybut left out my profanitiesI know that he's a busy guyand maybe won't remember theseThe omnipotent editorknows all the trick by now, I'm surebut first impression's stick so Iam leading with my best foot firstSo now I wait for the responseA call from my potential bossDid I apply 'cause I am lost?Is it too late to call it off?I didn't know I had an answerfor this question 'till I askedbut now that I am set in motionall I want's a second chanceTake it BackAnd I’m flinching as I check the mailand flip through bills and grocery salesI throw out all the clutter,understand that it can’t help me nowBut there it is, I’ve finally heard‘cause in my hands: the holy wordThe envelope is gold and it’s addressed“To Whom It May Concern”And I’m too scaredto look insideWith shaking handsand fading eyesBut nothing now can change at allthe contents of this envelopeIt's best I get this over with'cause ignorance won't save my soulAnd I read the words one at a timebut can't get past the leading lineMy eyes refocus, open wide“Your application's been denied”I didn't know I had an answerfor this question 'till I askedbut now that I may never have itall I want's a second chanceTake it back“Your application's been deniedWe can’t accept you at this timeWe’ll keep your paperwork on fileWe’ll reach back out when it’s your timeWe know that life can seem so cruelThat’s why today is just too soonYou still have so much left to doThe world’s not ready to lose youSo many lives to still impactSome still have yet to cross your pathWe know that it’s a lot to askPlease learn your worth, and take it back”Take it backI take it back

6.

Hands up if life is getting stressfulAnd shout if you are saddened by the newsI need some tips to cope,some data or some anecdotes,'cause right now nothing's workin' for my bluesSometimes I deal by playing musicand sometimes I relax by reading booksSometimes I go downtown,climb a tree and don't come downand throw a bunch of pinecones at peopleA crowd has formed around my tree,just out of reach, and the police haveblocked the street on every sideBut no one can climb it andI think its 'cause they know I havea pinecone here for everyone who triesI yell: I'm gonna live to be a hundredI'm gonna see them cure diseaseThen I'm gonna watch themgo to war over the royalties soif you need me, I'll be in the treeIf you need me, I'll be in the treeThere's several cameras pointed up into my treeit seems the world's concerned with what I might do next…Throwing pinecones at photographersfrom up here in this coniferlike Tarzan getting scouted by the MetsYeah, I'm gonna live to be a thousandGot robot arms and run on robot feetGot robot legs and robot headand my robot ass don't know it yet butI'd be better off back in the treeSo if you need me, I'll be in the tree…'Cause no one's asking what would drive me up this pineIs it protest? Am I being paid to preach or advertise?No, this non-deciduous decision was all mineYou can show a horse the ropesbut no, you cannot make him climbAnd this tree's a makeshift metaphor and I prefer to thinkI'm just a stressed out Christmas ornamentwho needs some space to breatheAnd if the camera crews and crowded streetsand dozens of policeare my endless pressures manifested down below my treeThen this giant stack of pinecones…They are the lame and immature ways I deal with themBut also how satisfying it is to do so...To dome one... when they're not looking... yeahI'm gonna live to be a millionLonger than the flowers, birds and beesbut if I start to come undone,make like a tree and hug someoneEverybody needs a place to breathejust recognize when it is time to leaveI'm probably gonna live foreverbut should I die (and that may be preferred)take me out and bury meand plant a tree right over meso I may help someone escape the worldYeah, I may help someone escape the world

7.

Well it would be a lovely startto plant some pebbles in the gardenHope to grow a planet largethat floats around in our backyardAnd yes, your family still could visitWe haven't left the solar systemIf they request consent to landwe'll accept if we are wearing pantsBut most days let's just float on topand orbit all our favorite spotsIf we get dizzy, let's fall offA couple cozy astronautsWell it would be a lovely startto plant some pebbles in the gardenIf it won't rain it doesn't matterwe'll water them with tears of laughterAt first there might not be much to itno forest, roads or rivers through itA rocky globe to start us offand on it grow the world we wantThe neighbors will all think we're strangeas we wave at them from outer spaceBut I had to know just how it feltto grow something bigger than…What I have built aloneA home I thought I'd never leavebut you and I can shape a worldthe lakes and towns and everythingWe'll put a planet in the skygrown from pebbles, you and IAnd if little aliens do invadeattempts at peace will still be madeI'll contact them with gifts but ifthey reject those I will insiston meeting their attacks with mightA big galactic pillow fightand just before they win we're toldthey're allergic to the whimsicalSo I'll blast this song and don't you knowthe sweetness makes their heads explodeand look they're filled with popcorn solet's grab a snack, sit back, and watch the show…I'm not a chemist, no, I am no geologistbut you and I can shape a worldThe lakes and towns and all of itand bit by bit and stone by stonethe pebbles take the shape of somethin' elseThat’s growing bigger than myself

8.

I hate braggin', marketing just never seemed intuitiveSo I've stayed back and in the past have had nothing to do with itbut people need a map to see what they should give a damn aboutTo save a forest you may have to print a couple pamphlets out…Oh this attitude is new to me, but things ain't how they used to beAs soon as we'd begin to sing you'd plug your ears cartoonishlyI'd check the peckin' order well before I crossed the roadbut either way I'd go I'd always end up feelin' like a jokeI mess up all the time but you are doing awesome, kidTime to drop the pouty lip and learn to take a complimentI'm b-b-braggin' and I'm puffin' up my feathersA chicken with a switch in his position altogetherI'll stick my chest and neck out as I decorate this fairy taleThe color will attract a mate or aggravate the alpha malesJust find a purpose, don't consume, produce a tune or something newUse your hands to make a thing that won't exist unless you doYou may not make a masterpiece or get your face in magazinesYou won't be the next Newton just by nappin' under apple treesAnd live your life like you're a kid, paint and dance and play and ifyou make a thing, create a bit, you pin that shit up on the fridge!I'm b-b-braggin' and I'm puffin' up my plumagePersuading all the parakeets I'm perfect but the truth ismy vocab will distract you, you're just baffled you can talk to mebut don’t forget a parrot's only honest as he's taught to beI might exaggerate to turn it up a notchYou know what they say: "Give the people what they want"I might exaggerate to try to sound coolDescribe a shark tank while talkin' 'bout a kiddie pool…...And I'm divin' right in itI am swimmin' just to make a big splashLittle fish in big pond, little bird in bird bathI can puff out my chest as I float on my backI am bouyant, I guess, when I learn to relaxIf I'm gonna speak up then I better impressMake my diaphragm grow and my vocal cords stretchand my voice'll get hoarse but my story will spreadlike a pony tale told off the top of my headI'm b-b-braggin' and I'm puffin' up my egoA penguin playin' make believe but rockin' his tuxedoI'll learn to wing it when I think that plan is goin' southNo matter what, I'll always strut, and find something to brag about

9.

Sit with me here in this room, I'm alone, but if you sit with me maybe I won't feel like I'm alone (I'll feel like I'm home)I never went through that rebellious phase where my family was lameand I wanted to be on my own (now I'm on my own)And I wonder if I've wandered too far awayand if I should stay... or if I should go homeIf I close my eyes I am practically there, with my dad on the couchand my mom in her old rocking chairI used to climb on her lap and she'd rock me to sleep, read me stories then carry me back up the stairsAnd I wonder when I learned to read on my own,grew heavy to hold, too big for her chairYou gave me brown hairYou gave me brown eyesYou gave me the patience I need to be kindYou said not to cry, I promised to tryI'm waving goodbyeI call my mom once a week and my dad twice a year butI love them the same, I've no favorite at allMy dad can fix anything but I don't have that geneit just seems like that apple had too far to fallBut I wonder if I'll take the best of his traitsHis humor and faith in the ones that he lovesYou gave me brown hair, you gave me brown eyesYou gave me the patience I need to be kindYou said not to cry, I promised to tryI'm waving goodbyeColumbus, Ohio and Reno, NevadaChicago and L.A. and now in SeattleI've left behind all of the baggage I had - I stillbring you both with me wherever I travelYou could've fixed every little mistakeThe bumps in the road, the cuts and the scrapesCould've fought all my battles and made me feel safeCould've told me I'm perfect, unable to changeBut the best thing a parent can do for their childis strengthen their heartmake them able to wave them goodbyeYou gave me brown hair, you gave me brown eyesYou gave me the patience I need to be kindI said not to cry, you promised to tryI'm waving goodbye

10.

I am a creature of habitmy tastes are immovable, I order the usualand I already know what I want...keep your menu, I know what I want…Because the options are endless, they're overwhelming at timesyou just have too much to sell me, so many things to decideyou may mock me for opting for what is already minebut what if my cookie cutter is one of a kind?I think there's too much to choose and I've had itDon't change me, creature of habitLeft foot, right foot, same way 'roundbut with this push - I put my foot downYeah, this time I want changeI'm gonna do somethin' crazy (actually, no I'm not)So let me explain, I'm not that anxious to changesI'm not afraid to adapt or think it's actually dangerousIt's just a preference to routine and familiar facesI won't break down or die if I just happen to break itI keep the cause to myself, I feel it's reekin' of egoand it’s a fine line to walk, so I am threading that needleIt's just the whole human race, well I can take 'em or leave 'emand I can say that, I swear, some of my best friends are peopleIt just feels so good when I've planned itSame time, same place, creature of habitLeft foot, right foot, same way 'roundbut with this push - I put my foot downYeah, this time I want changeI'm gonna do somethin' crazy.../...Actually no I'm not gonna act like you ask me to actLike a simple machine checking task after taskI'm my own human being and I happen to lackthe need to be seen chasing fad after fadAnd I know there's a world full of wonders to seewith places to go and pancakes to eatbut I base what I know on what things bring me peaceMy circadian soul likes the pace and the beatthat maintains my breathin', blood flow and sleepbut won't lift my feet or break my routineSo left foot, right foot, same way 'round...

11.

8th grade and crying at the counter4 a.m. and drowning in her work3 textbooks spread out around her1 overwhelmed little girlHer dad walks into the kitchenso hard to see her so stressedStill dark but he's there to listenshe's scared of failing her testsHe says:"My little girl before you worry at allhave you asked the Magic 8 ball?”And with a shake, shake of the Magic 8her stress melts away with a smile on her faceWith a lifetime of love, and a small dash of fateA dad takes care of his girlA dad takes care of his girl22 and panicked in her bedroom20 outfits thrown on the bedShe's wanted this job since she was a kid and1 interview is all that’s leftHe has such faith in his daughterhe needs her to just believeand just like any good fatherhe's got a trick up his sleeveHe says: "My little girl before you worry at allhave you asked the Magic 8 ball?”And with a shake, shake of the Magic 8her stress melts away with a smile on her faceWith a lifetime of love, and a small dash of fateA dad takes care of his girlA dad takes care of his girlLast year I'm sweatin' in a bench seatI've got a speech well-rehearsedI'm here to ask for his blessingThe father of that brave little nurseSo I start while I've still got courage"Your daughter has become my best friendand though I'm scared, I'm so nervousI plan to ask for her hand”He looks at me and with no words at allhe pulls out his Magic 8 ball…And with a shake, shake of the Magic 8my stress melts away and my fears are replacedI can't see the words, but he says "It looks great…”And with a shake, shake of the Magic 8he says that I'm family and this is my placeWith a lifetime ahead, and a small dash of fateI will take care of your girlI will take care of your girl